You were a knight in armour but only your eyes were shining. Bright lights emitted from between your lips, it was your deceptive smile that lured my heart into a whirlwind of lust. I knew I could change you, rearrange your thoughts and make them submit to my bible, my gospel, my truth. I knew I had it in me, and when your hands touched mine my heart playfully bounced and confirmed what I knew in it to be true. I loved you. Your hand touching mine told my mind that you will forever be mine, souls intimately intertwined, disturbingly desirable, pathologically pleasing, appeasing the very DNA of my mind. I had you. Right you needed me to be but I was blinded to see that you had me, right where you needed me to be.
In my mind you were. Mine. I looked past your infidelity and adultery because I chose to believe that if you possessed the pieces of my past you could grant me the wholeness that I so desperately pined for. You were my saviour, I worshipped you as such. I granted you access to the parts of me no one else could see, and even if they did see; wouldn't believe. Because I thought you would heal me. I made sure I was yours, consecrated myself to your thoughts, hopes, desires and plans, did everything you asked of me. Even committed suicide, I made sure I died so you live through me.
I could call you my prince of peace because you seemed to take my broken pieces and give me piece. I was attracted to your chaos, it quietened mine. It granted me reason to believe that, maybe my brokenness isn't all that bad if you had all the symptoms I had. But you were just a mirror, a photocopier, showing all the things I am in a bid for me to stay comfortably where I am because then I would stay where you needed me. Broken. Only you showed the parts of me that made me look and see me, I thought I was falling in love with you, but it was me cause if I could love where I was; I'd have no real reason to leave?
Right?
So I gave in to your relentless charm, that charged the gates of my heart like a red bull, you became my monster. But I felt the need to heal you, rid you of your ogre-like way and cleanse you of the gremlin within you, I saw what goblins you gave birth to but convinced myself they weren't of you. Just so that in my lovesick mind, I could be satisfied with the thought that you were as close to perfection as one could be. It was like a thousand angels gave you light, you constantly were pure in my eyes. You brought out the saviour in me but more than I needed you to be my saviour, I felt the need to save you.
But that's not the truth because fairytales aren't supposed to end badly, even when she ate the fruit, even when she lost her shoe, even when she encounters a beast, or has to kiss a frog, she still had her Prince Charming but you, your charm was beyond earthly royalty, it could be likened to no other, it felt so...... other worldly. Truth be told, I began feeling uncomfortable, it was like your truths became my lies, and even though I would often fall deep into your eyes I would miserably fail to realise that this was a trap. I was beyond mesmerised so I didn't bother to get up.
I stayed and granted you permission to squash my soul like a roach that was a little bit too old and couldn't get away quick enough. I tried to scurry away from your lies but they wounded me strategically over the weeks, months and years so I couldn't get up. I stayed stuck.
I recall my last days with you like a shimmer of a memory, you know like those ones in the movies? I knew it was over when the mention of your name did not provoke an involuntary response from behind my rib cage as it usually does. When the caller ID gently informed me that it was you and my palms didn't secrete. Goosebumps did not visit my skin when you turned up at my door. I knew it was over when the mention of your demise was the first time I genuinely smiled in my life. It was over and I knew it, I just needed to formulate a route that would eternally detach me from you. The taste you left on my lips was like a bad joke, no one seemed to get it or was laughing.
Once upon a time I had a mirror on my wall... It's brokenness never ceased to remind me of mine. But that's how you do, so here's to goodbyes! I would cry, weep and grovel stating how much I will miss you but you are a lie. A lie who constantly told me lies so that I almost nearly believed you ... Until love stepped in and showed me how not to submit to you, how to dry up my tears with worship instead of a sob song. Love showed me how to tell you goodbye.
On my lips it tasted like angels flew down and kissed mine. Thirst departed as I sipped slowly from the cup that never seemed to run dry.
I won't miss you but thank you for the lessons. I won't cry as I bid you farewell because your presence taught me how to war. Here is the good in goodbye where I'll never have to lie down to feel accepted or validated, the good where God can heal the wounds you created and I can be used to let the next girl know that you will sound like a good guy, but you are a lie.
