Stay Silent

What do you do when you get your confidence back to have it knocked,
All over again,
It's like its being dragged on the floor,
Stamped on,
Jumped up and down on,
Hurled between two tall people,
With you in the middle,
Only tryna catch it,
Only tryna get it back to understand it's worth,
You're keeping quiet not because you don't have a lot to say,
But because you in the equation,
Minus the confidence,
Just seals your lips,
Your mind tells your tongue to not move,
You're being held prisoner,
Because they wont give you back your confidence,
Your held up under arrest,
For what your heart knows what it HAS to say,
But your mind knows that it is not in line with confidence,
So there you just sit,
In silence that has you choked,
You wanna get up and grab a mic,
But what's the use,
If you say it you yourself wont even believe it,
So silence has you bound,
Your confidence in a corner trying its best to not be your friend,
You have no choice but to stay silent,
These thoughts might be the death of you but you,
Stay silent,
While praying for confidence you just have to,
Stay silent,
While hoping for the opportunity to be handed a mic you,
Stay silent,
But don't be mad in silence,
See the beauty of not talking or being able to talk,
Is that you listen,
And in solitary confinement,
You get to know Him,
Him who says be still, be quiet and know that I am God,
Him who wants to be your God, Saviour and Friend,
Him who made you in His image and likeness,
You get to know Him who said He will never leave you,
And what better way to experience a love like that,
Than when you're alone, quiet and still,
Perspective is what will make you realize that,
He went through all that,
Took away your 'friends' and your voice,
So you could be still, alone and silent with Him,
So He could make you into what He wants to make you,
So when you get confidence back,
You'll use it for His glory,
To build His kingdom,
He makes you experience unrest,
So you can appreciate His peace,
It's all a part of His plan,
Just rest in it cuz He's got so much more than your confidence to give you back,
Stay silent before Him
And you can speak in front of ANYONE!

Mr Main Man

He's my guy,
The type of guy that loves everybody but still shows His love for me in a special way,
In a way that I don't have to question His love,
In a way that makes me so secure,
Like I don't have to guess,
Before I ask, He goes out of His way to show me,
Before I fall,
He extends His arm to catch me,
And when He does,
He pulls me close,
To remind me that I am His,
And that He will always love me,
In a way that only He can
No one can love me like He does,
Nothing you do can make me love you the way I love Him,
The love we have couldn't be more perfectly orchestrated,
Couldn't be more passionate,
It's the silent kind of love,
Where more love is shown through doing nothing,
Just being in His presence,
I love Him,
He loves me,
He loves everyone,
But when I am alone with Him,
I can't help but fall in love all over again!

Is It Really Worth It?

Just imagine, you're praying for your husband and some 'random' comes and says "let's just steal a quick kiss". From all the frustrating nights you spent wondering if God even heard your prayers. So you go with this random, in a dark corner and you steal this quick kiss. Your husband who, for all you know had been praying for you and asking God for wisdom on how to approach you, passes by, ready to approach you but you're caught kidding this 'random'. You chase your husband to try and explain why you slipped up, in his mind he's tryna justify what events in a relationship will highlight your impatience and make you slip again. The 'random' has gone on to find his next victim, another woman who has been waiting on God for long and most likely frustrated with Him, to see if he satisfy his fleshly desires. Your husband is considering whether he can trust you and that in itself is not trust. You miss your chance, your husband is mentally wounded, and you've wasted time. All for a moment's worth of pleasure, you have to ask yourself; is it REALLY worth it?

What If?

What if we chased Him as we chased money?
Then, even more?
Fellas,
What if you sought Him like that chick you thought would be your next boo?
Ladies,
What if we wanted to see His glory rather than 9 carats on the left hand?
What if?
What if we yearned for Him,
Longed,
And even,
Physically itched for Him,
What if we woke up thinking about Him?
Trying all day long not to grieve Him?
Just living each day trying to please Him,
To the best of our human ability,
But delete that,
Then add to that a healthy dosage of His precious Spirit,
The one, the only Holy Spirit
Cuz in the flesh we really can't please Him,
Which is why we gotta kill it daily,
But if we're emptying ourselves of flesh,
And not taking our daily bread,
Are then any much better than a car,
With road tax, insurance and MOT,
But no petrol?
Can we go anywhere?
Can we seek after Him,
Can we long to be in His presence,
Where we desire His presence rather than His presents?
What if?

8 Things Living In Jamaica Has Taught Me

I lived in Jamaica for most of my life, I was born in London, England and left when I was 5 and lived there for 12 years. Leaving at such an early age I didn't fully grasp the British culture so at that point I had nothing to compare. I returned when I was 17 and that was in May 2007. Being aware enough in both countries and for the love of reflection, I wanna share some things even though there's definitely more than 10 things I've learnt.

1. What poverty REALLY means - In the UK and I imagine in the US as well, being "broke" means having no money till the next welfare payment comes through. In Jamaica being "broke" means being broke, it means looking in the cupboard and having no food, then checking your pockets and having no means to fill the cupboards. Being broke in Jamaica means you're BROKE!!
2. How to make nothing from an empty cupboard - being "broke" teaches you how to make something out of nothing. So you go to the trees, you turn to nature and friends and beg if you have to, to get something on the wood fire that you have to gather wood for and make and you get some food!! Grandma always used to say "use wha yu hav fi mek wha yu want" and so we did. 
3. How to really appreciate the small things in life - we grew up with most of the "basic" stuff e.g. electricity, fridge, iron, cooker, running water, washing machine etc. One day in class we were discussing a topic (which I now forget) but it had to do with the issue of ironing clothes, I explained to the class that you don't necessarily need to iron your clothes, if you flash it out hard enough and put it out to dry in the wind eventually all the creases will come out... The teacher looked at me and laughed and said "Kristal is that what you had to do today?" I wasn't confident enough to smile and say 'yes actually' so I bowed my head and cried. Coming to the UK and seeing people panic cuz the Wi-Fi is not connected properly makes me giggle. 
4. Respect - no, really the real thing! I learnt how to respect my elders, leaders, teachers and authority. I respect them, may not always like them but I respect them in the way that if you're not respectful there's a swift wind that follows the slap that connects to your face. That hurts. 
5. Appreciation for education - in the UK and US education is free, I had to pay to go to public schools, yes I did!!! We often had to skip school or sent back home cuz our fees weren't paid. 
6.  I've learnt what really matters - priorities in reality, I spend no time worrying about things that will in no way advance me. I've learnt that there's people out there that would KILL to have what I have so I've learnt how to appreciate what I have, I've had little so I appreciate the little I have now 
7. I've learnt the importance of reflecting - I've learnt how to look back, how to appreciate where I'm coming from to see that I've been worse and things could be worse. 
8. I came to the knowledge of God when I was living there - I knew OF Him, not what He meant to ME. But growing up in church made me appreciate the fact that God can reach anyone, He loves everyone and if it wasn't for mom dragging me to church every Sunday, Wednesday, Saturday and Friday, I wouldn't know how sweet it is to be in His house with His people - fellowship. 

F-A-M-I-L-Y

Family, 
The only word in the English dictionary that means nothing to me, 
But Christians aren't supposed to lie, right?
So I'll come clean, 
I'll let you know the truth, 
Which has been up till now, 
A secret, 
And a close guarded one, 
Just imagine the wall that Nehemiah rebuilt, 
On steroids, 
Up, alive and guarding this secret,
So here goes, 
Family, 
When I think, 
When I hear the word, 
Family, 
I feel distant, lonely, abandonment, suffer, abuse, alone, hurt, 
Feeling, 
Hurt feelings, 
Feelings too hurt to even know how I was feeling, 
Feelings buried alive, 
And not being dealt with, 
Only to be dug up years later, 
Forcing me to deal with feelings, 
The truth is I never really knew how to deal with feelings, 
Or family, 
So the real truth is you're strange to me, 
Don't upset me by calling me family, 
That means you'll only hurt, use and abuse me, 
So no, we ain't tight, 
We ain't family, 
Cuz that word only means pain to me.
F - feelings, A - abuse, M - missing, I - insignificant, L - loveLESS, Y - youth