Letter To My Past

I want to make this romantic, make it sound like I missed what we had but the truth is I stumbled upon a memory of you and I saw the pain in your eyes, you were too young to understand what you were going through so I'm here to explain it to you. 

There's blood on your hands, 

But that's not your biggest worry,

You're trying to figure out how come you're still able to stand, 

After you fell, 

Cried,

Bled

And hurt

Your heart was ripped from behind the safety of your ribs, 

He hopped on a plane with your heart between his teeth, 

And spat it out as soon as he saw someone else that could ease his urge, 

You allowed him to. 

They told you you would never make it out, 

They told you you would never be successful, 

That where you are now is your destiny, 

You'd never make it through, 

You believed them. 

She called you names that you knew didn't correlate with your purpose in life, 

But you listened and believed her. 

You didn't know him but you knew you needed him,

You knew he'd never be there for you how you needed him to be but still, 

You'd pray to a God you were convinced didn't listen let alone respond or understand,

To give you a daddy because life's burdens would surely be eased with a man's broad shoulders to help bear the pain, 

You cried. 

As life insisted on dealing you cards you thought were too much to bear, 

You crumbled. 

It was too much for you to handle, 

So you fell. 

On the way down you grabbed a few people to bring down with you, 

Gained a few scars and bruises, 

You put yourself on the discount shelf. 

You stripped you of your crown and glory, 

Convinced yourself that whatever you went through made you unworthy, 

So instead of seeking redeeming grace, 

You constantly hid your face, 

From the only one who was able to really save and change you. 

You paid an expensive price for a lie, 

That with each person you lay with, 

Cost a bit more of your soul, 

You began to pay a price you could simply no longer afford, 

So you were indebted to him.

You played his games, 

Lying, cheating, stealing, faking, dealing, drinking, partying...

Whatever he would ask of you,

You'd do, 

Just to quench the void of "fitting in" 

Something you were never created to do, 

You polluted your entire being. 

Your mind, body and spirit, 

You thought they were irreparable, 

So whatever you were doing you continued, 

Just to buy further into the lie that you were 'damaged goods' 'reduced to clear'

But you never heard anyone say "you were bought with a price" 

You've never had anyone look past what you did to see who you really were, 

Broken. Exhausted. Defeated and deflated. 

You never knew you could find a love like this, 

That would not only lift you but also dust off your crown, 

Throw a party for you when you returned home, 

Put you on the throne of His heart and call you His own, 

If only you knew. 

But you didn't. 

You fell short over and over again, 

You had an incessant need to avoid His blood that flowed freely, 

You cried when you didn't have to because once again, 

The master of lies had visited you, 

Consulted and concluded that with you, 

You were truly beyond repair, 

You couldn't even reach for His hand, 

Because why would He forgive you after all you've done. 

When the question you really needed the answer to was "why wouldn't He?" 

After all He did send His Son, 

For you He bled, cried and died so that you wouldn't have to but you would have life, 

He would grace you with wings to fly, 

Call you His majestic butterfly, 

Because He wrapped you in that cocoon, 

Even then it was His grace that covered you, 

His angels walked with you 

And His Spirit cried for you, 

You overcame what you thought would kill you, 

And for it you are stronger, 

Wiser, fitter, faster,

Consider it exercise, consider it lessons in life. 

I couldn't offer you a glimmer of hope, 

I couldn't write to say "hold on, you'll be okay" 

Because if I did then you wouldn't come out as tough as you did. 

I'm sorry I watched you cry, 

Sorry I couldn't wipe the tears from your eyes, 

I apologise for not holding your hand or coming to your aid, 

I just knew you had to make it through. 

And you did, I didn't doubt that you'd be alive today, 

I made you that way so you know that whatever is about to come, 

Is for My glory and not your demise, 

Hold on, keep your eyes on Me

I will see you through,  

And goodness and mercy shall always follow you, 

And for all the days of you life, 

You will overcome because you have Me on your side. 

I Wonder Why She Smiles...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30

I don't know how she does it. I really don't. 

I looked at this picture. I stared at it for a really long time. I gazed at her smile, her infectious laugh which almost pierces through the screen and causes me to smile. I wonder what she's so happy about? 

Then I looked back at the girl she used to be, I can't count her tears; they're so many, her grief and pain is insurmountable; I don't even know how she made it out. It's all a blur. From sleepless nights crying to days where she now laughs uncontrollably, if a joke gets too much; she'll hit the floor laughing. 

I just want to say I know both girls. 

To the girl who cries at night: 

Don't give up hope. Whatever you think is out there that is better than what you're going through or where you are now; hold on to that. If you're living with your parents right now; hold on to that house with a front and back garden and double garage. If you're single; keep believing that God will bless you with a husband, not a boyfriend, not a sex partner but a right upstanding man of God who loves God but is not a sissy. If you're searching for your ministry; keep loving God, love Him like you're gonna lose Him, keep praying and worshipping. If you don't even know God or refuse to acknowledge that He has a plan for your life or misunderstand how all your pain could be used as the foundation of your success; I pray you won't give in to the temptation of suicide, if you do you'll never live to see the fruit of your tears. For those who sow in tears will reap in joy. For weeping only last one night - and it may be a long night - but joy comes in the morning! 

I know you may not want to believe it but look at me, I can't believe I made it out; if I killed myself I wouldn't have lived to see this day. You may think I'm writing for the sake of writing but I'm only writing because I've been there I know what it's like. 

To the girl who can't help but smile:

I know sometimes you don't understand the tears that flow from your joy, I know you're used to having your tears associated with pain but keep smiling, it's contagious and not only that, it's giving another girl hope. Another girl is looking at you wanting to know the secrets of the way out. Please share them don't ever keep quiet, scream, every opportunity you get let a girl know that you had to cry your way out because you held on to the promise of joy in the morning. 

I know it hurts sometimes, I know it's not always an easy road, but I also know that you've been through enough to know you're not going back. Please, keep smiling, the world needs your smile. Allow the world to marvel at the miracle that you are, you survived, you're not a victim but a victor let others know how you made it out. 

Be blessed and encouraged. 

To The Single Ladies… The Single Mother:

The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1

I have been scared, I was 14 and dealing in business no 14 year old should. I was 16 years and 6 months old when the doctors said “it’s a girl”. With that little girl I had no idea what to do but I know up until this day I am still sick with worry. I still don’t know what to do with her because I’m still learning myself.

 

I was always worried that I couldn’t do it myself, how does a woman raise a queen without a man to show her what queens should be treated? I was so convinced I couldn’t so it on my own, so convinced and convicted that I could not raise a queen without a king. 

Three years later I had a boy, immediately, I was swept with more worry and doubt, how could I possibly do this on my own? There is no written evidence that this could be done. A single woman cannot teach two young minds; a queen and a king how to act as such all by herself? Surely it is not only impossible but it is beyond impossible. I cant do it. It cant be done. 

But then I was listening to the teachings of a preacher explain how King – don’t miss that – King Lemuel was taught by his mother to avoid disorderly women that would be the ruin of kings, steer clear of the poisonous grip of wine, resist being drunk, to be the voice of those who have no voice and to judge fairly to defend the rights of the poor and needy. 

A woman told the king how to act. 

Proverbs 31 is famous for the ‘virtuous woman’ act. I find that women refer to this scripture when preparing for marriage, a husband and a household which is usually from verse 10-31 of that chapter. I must admit, I have never even realised or paid much attention to verses 1-9 until I heard a preacher comment on it and it stung my heart; the residue of that sting never left.

So I write to you. Do you feel scared? Do you ever pray and cry, cry and pray? Do you ever worry that you don’t have the skills and gifts to raise kings and queens? Do you ever put you and your children on the discount shelf because you think you'll never be able to raise kings and queens? Do you ever back out of the race just because by comparison you think wont be able to raise kings and queens?

I have. I feel like I don’t have it in me. And the truth is; I don’t. but I know the God I pray to when I ask for the wisdom to pour into these children, the knowledge and understanding that comes from His Holy Spirit and only from Him. The truth is I can not do it alone, neither can you, not alone anyway. 

Be encouraged sister, it is not an easy walk but it is one that you have to take one step at a time. 

‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)

Call to God and the things you do not know about being or raising a king or queen; He will tell you. 

Are you listening?

Can Two Walk Lest They Agree?

Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3

We always see this scripture or use it when people are talking about two people; friends, a couple, people in ministry or any other relationship between two people. 

But I got to thinking. What about God? And me? 

Let me make this clear, this is about me, I got to thinking about me and my personal relationship with God. It's not a stab at anybody about their relationship and walk with God but hey... if the cap fits; wear it! Get comfortable in it and rock it HARD!

Anyway, I really want to improve and get better about walking circumspectly in the Spirit of God. 

But how can I walk with God unless I agree with Him? 

He told me I'm beautiful, ordained, purposed, called, holy, made for one, He tells me I'm special, I'm perfect in Him, I can do all things through Him, He said before my days were formed, before I was born, He planned my days, my nights, my tears are numbered, placed in a bottle, He bore my pain, He provided healing before my pain, by His stripes I am healed.... He said...

But how can I walk with God unless I agree with Him?

When I look in the mirror I can't see the beauty that He talks about, when I look in my past, I'm so blinded by all the pain I've been through; I can't see purpose, when I look in the present I can't see how I can do anything at all, I'm blinded by all the tears I've cried so I don't know how He expects me to believe that He has my tears numbered... I want Him to stop numbering them and start drying them! 

So.... How can I walk in harmony in this walk... how can TWO: me and Him WALK together unless we agree? Not that, unless I agree with HIM! Because His word is truth, His word does not fail or fall, He is right and I have to be conformed to His truth... 

How can I walk with Him unless I agree with Him?

I've got to conform, I've got to leave the world's ideas, thoughts and perceptions of who I am. I have got to leave the way the world defines me based on who I am, what I said or how I dress or wear my hair. I have got to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, no longer conformed to the world, I have got to make up in my mind that yes I was beaten, bruised and abused but I have got to leave that all behind. I have to look beyond my past and gaze so deeply in the future - through His eyes. I have got to see me the way He does, I have got to get rid of even my ideas, thoughts and perceptions and live through His Spirit. 

So how do I walk with Him in agreement?

So he answered and said to me:

“This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel:
‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’
Says the Lord of hosts. 

Zechariah 4:6