Letter To My Past

I want to make this romantic, make it sound like I missed what we had but the truth is I stumbled upon a memory of you and I saw the pain in your eyes, you were too young to understand what you were going through so I'm here to explain it to you. 

There's blood on your hands, 

But that's not your biggest worry,

You're trying to figure out how come you're still able to stand, 

After you fell, 

Cried,

Bled

And hurt

Your heart was ripped from behind the safety of your ribs, 

He hopped on a plane with your heart between his teeth, 

And spat it out as soon as he saw someone else that could ease his urge, 

You allowed him to. 

They told you you would never make it out, 

They told you you would never be successful, 

That where you are now is your destiny, 

You'd never make it through, 

You believed them. 

She called you names that you knew didn't correlate with your purpose in life, 

But you listened and believed her. 

You didn't know him but you knew you needed him,

You knew he'd never be there for you how you needed him to be but still, 

You'd pray to a God you were convinced didn't listen let alone respond or understand,

To give you a daddy because life's burdens would surely be eased with a man's broad shoulders to help bear the pain, 

You cried. 

As life insisted on dealing you cards you thought were too much to bear, 

You crumbled. 

It was too much for you to handle, 

So you fell. 

On the way down you grabbed a few people to bring down with you, 

Gained a few scars and bruises, 

You put yourself on the discount shelf. 

You stripped you of your crown and glory, 

Convinced yourself that whatever you went through made you unworthy, 

So instead of seeking redeeming grace, 

You constantly hid your face, 

From the only one who was able to really save and change you. 

You paid an expensive price for a lie, 

That with each person you lay with, 

Cost a bit more of your soul, 

You began to pay a price you could simply no longer afford, 

So you were indebted to him.

You played his games, 

Lying, cheating, stealing, faking, dealing, drinking, partying...

Whatever he would ask of you,

You'd do, 

Just to quench the void of "fitting in" 

Something you were never created to do, 

You polluted your entire being. 

Your mind, body and spirit, 

You thought they were irreparable, 

So whatever you were doing you continued, 

Just to buy further into the lie that you were 'damaged goods' 'reduced to clear'

But you never heard anyone say "you were bought with a price" 

You've never had anyone look past what you did to see who you really were, 

Broken. Exhausted. Defeated and deflated. 

You never knew you could find a love like this, 

That would not only lift you but also dust off your crown, 

Throw a party for you when you returned home, 

Put you on the throne of His heart and call you His own, 

If only you knew. 

But you didn't. 

You fell short over and over again, 

You had an incessant need to avoid His blood that flowed freely, 

You cried when you didn't have to because once again, 

The master of lies had visited you, 

Consulted and concluded that with you, 

You were truly beyond repair, 

You couldn't even reach for His hand, 

Because why would He forgive you after all you've done. 

When the question you really needed the answer to was "why wouldn't He?" 

After all He did send His Son, 

For you He bled, cried and died so that you wouldn't have to but you would have life, 

He would grace you with wings to fly, 

Call you His majestic butterfly, 

Because He wrapped you in that cocoon, 

Even then it was His grace that covered you, 

His angels walked with you 

And His Spirit cried for you, 

You overcame what you thought would kill you, 

And for it you are stronger, 

Wiser, fitter, faster,

Consider it exercise, consider it lessons in life. 

I couldn't offer you a glimmer of hope, 

I couldn't write to say "hold on, you'll be okay" 

Because if I did then you wouldn't come out as tough as you did. 

I'm sorry I watched you cry, 

Sorry I couldn't wipe the tears from your eyes, 

I apologise for not holding your hand or coming to your aid, 

I just knew you had to make it through. 

And you did, I didn't doubt that you'd be alive today, 

I made you that way so you know that whatever is about to come, 

Is for My glory and not your demise, 

Hold on, keep your eyes on Me

I will see you through,  

And goodness and mercy shall always follow you, 

And for all the days of you life, 

You will overcome because you have Me on your side.