Overcoming Church Hurt

What do you do or how do you feel when the place you ran to for healing begins to hurt you, begins to remove your bandages prematurely? ‪#‎OvercomingChurchHurt

For the longest while I have been prompted by the Holy Spirit to “write where you are” and for the longest while I have not written anything. I always have the urge to write but I never know what about. I always put it off thinking that an idea will come, but the Spirit of God keeps saying to me “write where you are”

It is kind of emotional because I have to figure out where I am in order to write it. A feeling has been on my heart for the longest while. Church hurt. I’ve heard about it and the last I expected was to experience it. The topic came about because I saw a previous blog about it and when I fell in the situation, I tried to find the blog but I couldn’t find it. So, where I am, I will write.

Church hurt. My definition is simply the people in church who will hurt you. Understand that the purest form of church is Christ Himself and He will in no wise hurt us. Yes, the situations He gives us the grace to endure will definitely hurt us, we are human so inevitably our perception will force us to believe that it is God who has hurt us but that is far from the case.

My biggest problem is perceiving that people in church are always godly, I place certain expectations on “church folk” and I expect from them a certain type and way of behaviour that when they don’t live up to the standards I placed on them in my mind; they have failed and they have hurt me. I specifically remembered one prayer I prayed in church “God, please remind us that we are the church and we merely attend a building to fellowship”

It was wrong of me to expect behaviours and standards from people just because they were in church or in a position of power within the church. I feel like that is a plan of the enemy to distract us from the true purpose of attending the church building, which is to fellowship with the saints of God.

Another thing is when you have expectations of other people it disqualifies them from needing grace, so as soon as they mess up we automatically don’t forgive them, allow them to heal and move on. People are not perfect and that is why we leave church hurt because we expect to behave supernaturally giving them no space to be human.

I’m not saying that their behaviour is acceptable or we should subject ourselves to be treated like dirt; I’m just saying that sometimes, most of the time the problem is our perception. That person who hurt you needs Jesus, forgiveness and salvation just as much as you do!

What if that person is acting from a place of hurt and their behaviour is just a cry for attention?

We should allow God to deal with our hearts, we should ask God to give us insight, maybe the person who hurt you is the only way they could get attention and they just want somebody to pray for them.

So how do you overcome church hurt?

The safest, most effective way is to run to God. Ultimately, He has all the answers.

That means that take all your problems, the way you feel, the person, the pastor and all the members of the church before God. Cry if you have to because the bible says He is touched by the feeling of our infirmities. He knows what it is to feel pain, to be scared, God knows and He has the power to do something about it. It makes no sense to sit on the phone and complain to other people who are powerless to fix the situation. God can fix it. So, run, run as fast as you can to His throne of grace. Maybe, just maybe you need a lesson in forgiving other people!

A Love Letter To Satan

You remind me of a Disney fairytale. 

You were a knight in armour but only your eyes were shining. Bright lights emitted from between your lips, it was your deceptive smile that lured my heart into a whirlwind of lust. I knew I could change you, rearrange your thoughts and make them submit to my bible, my gospel, my truth. I knew I had it in me, and when your hands touched mine my heart playfully bounced and confirmed what I knew in it to be true. I loved you. Your hand touching mine told my mind that you will forever be mine, souls intimately intertwined, disturbingly desirable, pathologically pleasing, appeasing the very DNA of my mind. I had you. Right you needed me to be but I was blinded to see that you had me, right where you needed me to be. 

In my mind you were. Mine. I looked past your infidelity and adultery because I chose to believe that if you possessed the pieces of my past you could grant me the wholeness that I so desperately pined for. You were my saviour, I worshipped you as such. I granted you access to the parts of me no one else could see, and even if they did see; wouldn't believe. Because I thought you would heal me. I made sure I was yours, consecrated myself to your thoughts, hopes, desires and plans, did everything you asked of me. Even committed suicide, I made sure I died so you live through me. 

I could call you my prince of peace because you seemed to take my broken pieces and give me piece. I was attracted to your chaos, it quietened mine. It granted me reason to believe that, maybe my brokenness isn't all that bad if you had all the symptoms I had. But you were just a mirror, a photocopier, showing all the things I am in a bid for me to stay comfortably where I am because then I would stay where you needed me. Broken. Only you showed the parts of me that made me look and see me, I thought I was falling in love with you, but it was me cause if I could love where I was; I'd have no real reason to leave? 

Right?

So I gave in to your relentless charm, that charged the gates of my heart like a red bull, you became my monster. But I felt the need to heal you, rid you of your ogre-like way and cleanse you of the gremlin within you, I saw what goblins you gave birth to but convinced myself they weren't of you. Just so that in my lovesick mind, I could be satisfied with the thought that you were as close to perfection as one could be. It was like a thousand angels gave you light, you constantly were pure in my eyes. You brought out the saviour in me but more than I needed you to be my saviour, I felt the need to save you.

But that's not the truth because fairytales aren't supposed to end badly, even when she ate the fruit, even when she lost her shoe, even when she encounters a beast, or has to kiss a frog, she still had her Prince Charming but you, your charm was beyond earthly royalty, it could be likened to no other, it felt so...... other worldly. Truth be told, I began feeling uncomfortable, it was like your truths became my lies, and even though I would often fall deep into your eyes I would miserably fail to realise that this was a trap. I was beyond mesmerised so I didn't bother to get up. 

I stayed and granted you permission to squash my soul like a roach that was a little bit too old and couldn't get away quick enough. I tried to scurry away from your lies but they wounded me strategically over the weeks, months and years so I couldn't get up. I stayed stuck. 

I recall my last days with you like a shimmer of a memory, you know like those ones in the movies? I knew it was over when the mention of your name did not provoke an involuntary response from behind my rib cage as it usually does. When the caller ID gently informed me that it was you and my palms didn't secrete. Goosebumps did not visit my skin when you turned up at my door. I knew it was over when the mention of your demise was the first time I genuinely smiled in my life. It was over and I knew it, I just needed to formulate a route that would eternally detach me from you. The taste you left on my lips was like a bad joke, no one seemed to get it or was laughing.

Once upon a time I had a mirror on my wall... It's brokenness never ceased to remind me of mine. But that's how you do, so here's to goodbyes! I would cry, weep and grovel stating how much I will miss you but you are a lie. A lie who constantly told me lies so that I almost nearly believed you ... Until love stepped in and showed me how not to submit to you, how to dry up my tears with worship instead of a sob song. Love showed me how to tell you goodbye. 

On my lips it tasted like angels flew down and kissed mine. Thirst departed as I sipped slowly from the cup that never seemed to run dry. 

I won't miss you but thank you for the lessons. I won't cry as I bid you farewell because your presence taught me how to war. Here is the good in goodbye where I'll never have to lie down to feel accepted or validated, the good where God can heal the wounds you created and I can be used to let the next girl know that you will sound like a good guy, but you are a lie. 

Letter To My Past

I want to make this romantic, make it sound like I missed what we had but the truth is I stumbled upon a memory of you and I saw the pain in your eyes, you were too young to understand what you were going through so I'm here to explain it to you. 

There's blood on your hands, 

But that's not your biggest worry,

You're trying to figure out how come you're still able to stand, 

After you fell, 

Cried,

Bled

And hurt

Your heart was ripped from behind the safety of your ribs, 

He hopped on a plane with your heart between his teeth, 

And spat it out as soon as he saw someone else that could ease his urge, 

You allowed him to. 

They told you you would never make it out, 

They told you you would never be successful, 

That where you are now is your destiny, 

You'd never make it through, 

You believed them. 

She called you names that you knew didn't correlate with your purpose in life, 

But you listened and believed her. 

You didn't know him but you knew you needed him,

You knew he'd never be there for you how you needed him to be but still, 

You'd pray to a God you were convinced didn't listen let alone respond or understand,

To give you a daddy because life's burdens would surely be eased with a man's broad shoulders to help bear the pain, 

You cried. 

As life insisted on dealing you cards you thought were too much to bear, 

You crumbled. 

It was too much for you to handle, 

So you fell. 

On the way down you grabbed a few people to bring down with you, 

Gained a few scars and bruises, 

You put yourself on the discount shelf. 

You stripped you of your crown and glory, 

Convinced yourself that whatever you went through made you unworthy, 

So instead of seeking redeeming grace, 

You constantly hid your face, 

From the only one who was able to really save and change you. 

You paid an expensive price for a lie, 

That with each person you lay with, 

Cost a bit more of your soul, 

You began to pay a price you could simply no longer afford, 

So you were indebted to him.

You played his games, 

Lying, cheating, stealing, faking, dealing, drinking, partying...

Whatever he would ask of you,

You'd do, 

Just to quench the void of "fitting in" 

Something you were never created to do, 

You polluted your entire being. 

Your mind, body and spirit, 

You thought they were irreparable, 

So whatever you were doing you continued, 

Just to buy further into the lie that you were 'damaged goods' 'reduced to clear'

But you never heard anyone say "you were bought with a price" 

You've never had anyone look past what you did to see who you really were, 

Broken. Exhausted. Defeated and deflated. 

You never knew you could find a love like this, 

That would not only lift you but also dust off your crown, 

Throw a party for you when you returned home, 

Put you on the throne of His heart and call you His own, 

If only you knew. 

But you didn't. 

You fell short over and over again, 

You had an incessant need to avoid His blood that flowed freely, 

You cried when you didn't have to because once again, 

The master of lies had visited you, 

Consulted and concluded that with you, 

You were truly beyond repair, 

You couldn't even reach for His hand, 

Because why would He forgive you after all you've done. 

When the question you really needed the answer to was "why wouldn't He?" 

After all He did send His Son, 

For you He bled, cried and died so that you wouldn't have to but you would have life, 

He would grace you with wings to fly, 

Call you His majestic butterfly, 

Because He wrapped you in that cocoon, 

Even then it was His grace that covered you, 

His angels walked with you 

And His Spirit cried for you, 

You overcame what you thought would kill you, 

And for it you are stronger, 

Wiser, fitter, faster,

Consider it exercise, consider it lessons in life. 

I couldn't offer you a glimmer of hope, 

I couldn't write to say "hold on, you'll be okay" 

Because if I did then you wouldn't come out as tough as you did. 

I'm sorry I watched you cry, 

Sorry I couldn't wipe the tears from your eyes, 

I apologise for not holding your hand or coming to your aid, 

I just knew you had to make it through. 

And you did, I didn't doubt that you'd be alive today, 

I made you that way so you know that whatever is about to come, 

Is for My glory and not your demise, 

Hold on, keep your eyes on Me

I will see you through,  

And goodness and mercy shall always follow you, 

And for all the days of you life, 

You will overcome because you have Me on your side. 

I Wonder Why She Smiles...

Charm is deceitful and beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised. Proverbs 31:30

I don't know how she does it. I really don't. 

I looked at this picture. I stared at it for a really long time. I gazed at her smile, her infectious laugh which almost pierces through the screen and causes me to smile. I wonder what she's so happy about? 

Then I looked back at the girl she used to be, I can't count her tears; they're so many, her grief and pain is insurmountable; I don't even know how she made it out. It's all a blur. From sleepless nights crying to days where she now laughs uncontrollably, if a joke gets too much; she'll hit the floor laughing. 

I just want to say I know both girls. 

To the girl who cries at night: 

Don't give up hope. Whatever you think is out there that is better than what you're going through or where you are now; hold on to that. If you're living with your parents right now; hold on to that house with a front and back garden and double garage. If you're single; keep believing that God will bless you with a husband, not a boyfriend, not a sex partner but a right upstanding man of God who loves God but is not a sissy. If you're searching for your ministry; keep loving God, love Him like you're gonna lose Him, keep praying and worshipping. If you don't even know God or refuse to acknowledge that He has a plan for your life or misunderstand how all your pain could be used as the foundation of your success; I pray you won't give in to the temptation of suicide, if you do you'll never live to see the fruit of your tears. For those who sow in tears will reap in joy. For weeping only last one night - and it may be a long night - but joy comes in the morning! 

I know you may not want to believe it but look at me, I can't believe I made it out; if I killed myself I wouldn't have lived to see this day. You may think I'm writing for the sake of writing but I'm only writing because I've been there I know what it's like. 

To the girl who can't help but smile:

I know sometimes you don't understand the tears that flow from your joy, I know you're used to having your tears associated with pain but keep smiling, it's contagious and not only that, it's giving another girl hope. Another girl is looking at you wanting to know the secrets of the way out. Please share them don't ever keep quiet, scream, every opportunity you get let a girl know that you had to cry your way out because you held on to the promise of joy in the morning. 

I know it hurts sometimes, I know it's not always an easy road, but I also know that you've been through enough to know you're not going back. Please, keep smiling, the world needs your smile. Allow the world to marvel at the miracle that you are, you survived, you're not a victim but a victor let others know how you made it out. 

Be blessed and encouraged. 

To The Single Ladies… The Single Mother:

The sayings of King Lemuel—an inspired utterance his mother taught him. Proverbs 31:1

I have been scared, I was 14 and dealing in business no 14 year old should. I was 16 years and 6 months old when the doctors said “it’s a girl”. With that little girl I had no idea what to do but I know up until this day I am still sick with worry. I still don’t know what to do with her because I’m still learning myself.

 

I was always worried that I couldn’t do it myself, how does a woman raise a queen without a man to show her what queens should be treated? I was so convinced I couldn’t so it on my own, so convinced and convicted that I could not raise a queen without a king. 

Three years later I had a boy, immediately, I was swept with more worry and doubt, how could I possibly do this on my own? There is no written evidence that this could be done. A single woman cannot teach two young minds; a queen and a king how to act as such all by herself? Surely it is not only impossible but it is beyond impossible. I cant do it. It cant be done. 

But then I was listening to the teachings of a preacher explain how King – don’t miss that – King Lemuel was taught by his mother to avoid disorderly women that would be the ruin of kings, steer clear of the poisonous grip of wine, resist being drunk, to be the voice of those who have no voice and to judge fairly to defend the rights of the poor and needy. 

A woman told the king how to act. 

Proverbs 31 is famous for the ‘virtuous woman’ act. I find that women refer to this scripture when preparing for marriage, a husband and a household which is usually from verse 10-31 of that chapter. I must admit, I have never even realised or paid much attention to verses 1-9 until I heard a preacher comment on it and it stung my heart; the residue of that sting never left.

So I write to you. Do you feel scared? Do you ever pray and cry, cry and pray? Do you ever worry that you don’t have the skills and gifts to raise kings and queens? Do you ever put you and your children on the discount shelf because you think you'll never be able to raise kings and queens? Do you ever back out of the race just because by comparison you think wont be able to raise kings and queens?

I have. I feel like I don’t have it in me. And the truth is; I don’t. but I know the God I pray to when I ask for the wisdom to pour into these children, the knowledge and understanding that comes from His Holy Spirit and only from Him. The truth is I can not do it alone, neither can you, not alone anyway. 

Be encouraged sister, it is not an easy walk but it is one that you have to take one step at a time. 

‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’ Jeremiah 33:3 (NIV)

Call to God and the things you do not know about being or raising a king or queen; He will tell you. 

Are you listening?

Can Two Walk Lest They Agree?

Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? Amos 3:3

We always see this scripture or use it when people are talking about two people; friends, a couple, people in ministry or any other relationship between two people. 

But I got to thinking. What about God? And me? 

Let me make this clear, this is about me, I got to thinking about me and my personal relationship with God. It's not a stab at anybody about their relationship and walk with God but hey... if the cap fits; wear it! Get comfortable in it and rock it HARD!

Anyway, I really want to improve and get better about walking circumspectly in the Spirit of God. 

But how can I walk with God unless I agree with Him? 

He told me I'm beautiful, ordained, purposed, called, holy, made for one, He tells me I'm special, I'm perfect in Him, I can do all things through Him, He said before my days were formed, before I was born, He planned my days, my nights, my tears are numbered, placed in a bottle, He bore my pain, He provided healing before my pain, by His stripes I am healed.... He said...

But how can I walk with God unless I agree with Him?

When I look in the mirror I can't see the beauty that He talks about, when I look in my past, I'm so blinded by all the pain I've been through; I can't see purpose, when I look in the present I can't see how I can do anything at all, I'm blinded by all the tears I've cried so I don't know how He expects me to believe that He has my tears numbered... I want Him to stop numbering them and start drying them! 

So.... How can I walk in harmony in this walk... how can TWO: me and Him WALK together unless we agree? Not that, unless I agree with HIM! Because His word is truth, His word does not fail or fall, He is right and I have to be conformed to His truth... 

How can I walk with Him unless I agree with Him?

I've got to conform, I've got to leave the world's ideas, thoughts and perceptions of who I am. I have got to leave the way the world defines me based on who I am, what I said or how I dress or wear my hair. I have got to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, no longer conformed to the world, I have got to make up in my mind that yes I was beaten, bruised and abused but I have got to leave that all behind. I have to look beyond my past and gaze so deeply in the future - through His eyes. I have got to see me the way He does, I have got to get rid of even my ideas, thoughts and perceptions and live through His Spirit. 

So how do I walk with Him in agreement?

So he answered and said to me:

“This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel:
‘Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,’
Says the Lord of hosts. 

Zechariah 4:6

What Should It Cost?

I adore the simplicity and honesty of the above picture. Some may find it funny, others may lash out and call the guy cheap; the girl stupid and others may even begin to appraise their value making it very clear that no man or beast dare ever approach them with such cheap atrocities. 

But me, I like to think of my self as a simple girl, the rain makes me happy, going for a walk, fresh air. These things excite me.  

Now let's put this into perspective. How many of you get mad at God because you couldn't get the car you wanted, that guy you had your eye on for the past year hasn't even said hello to you much less asked you out or anything, the job you really, really wanted that is so perfect and convenient for you didn't come through so now all you have left is life, some clean air to breathe, good health and a God who loves you. 

Oh how your life must suck!  

This life that we have and live so freely isn't just a sad, horrible life. It's free to us but it cost Jesus His life. We live and complain so freely forgetting to remember that Jesus said He came so we can have life and it more abundantly (John 10:10) 

God isn't here to fulfill all your desires. Think about it, if your parents gave you EVERYTHING you asked for, you be a spoiled, impudent child with no real appreciation for how hard your parents had to work to achieve everything they have. 

God is here, lavishing us with grace, graceful enough to be our guide, to hold our hand and help us along, to fulfill HIS plan in our life. The purpose He created us for because He didn't make us then think what He should do with us; we're a forethought. 

God ain't our sugar daddy, He's not here to attend to your needs as and when we want them. He ain't here to stroke our egos or spoon feed us. 

He gave His life. It may not have been a gift wrapped with elegance, born to die; not in a palace amongst kings, He wasn't waited on by maids and butler but in my lowly theory He was born just like us, divinity in human form; He became me and you to redeem me and you.  

His humble beginnings, lowly sufferings and martyrdom shows us that we may not always have, might never even have the 28 carat diamond ring but as long as we have Him, we will be okay.  

It shows us that the "things" aren't important, it shows that the house, car, husband, the wife, the children, the ministry, these "things" cannot fulfill us like our Saviour can.  

So it shouldn't cost more than what has already been paid. Jesus laid down His life and if all He gives you is a bunch of bananas; rejoice, celebrate and be glad that you have His presence. No matter where you go, what you do, think or say, He will always be with you and that should be enough!  

 .....and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. Matthew 28:20